Comics – PeeWee
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Hurricane Dorian Limericks
Don’t Kill Flori’an, a limerick
We all think the weathermen lie
Despite them all showing the eye
Oh please ole Dorian
Don’t kill Flori’an
We are all not ready to die.
The Aftermath, a limerick
Oh wow — that was quite a scare
Dorian ended up fair
Pray for the affected
Not all were protected
Some were even left bare.
Scabies Outbreak – Third outbreak “second nature” to athletics
The Panther’s Varsity Training Center is filled with more than just sweaty athletes.
It is now home to an extremely irritating and flesh-eating disease: scabies.
Scabies is a highly contagious skin condition that causes severe itching from sarcoptes scabiei mites, also referred to as itch mites.
The itch mites burrow into and lay eggs in the outer layer of the skin, resulting in nonstop itching and an angry rash.
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, scabies is mainly caused by poor hygiene and is spread through skin-to-skin contact.
What is even more worrisome about the recent outbreak is the fact that this it is not the first time, nor the second time, but the third time the skin rash has wreaked havoc on campus.
There have been numerous outbreaks in the past three months, all of which have been due to a lack of proper hygiene practices.
“It’s almost second nature,” one athlete in a Facebook post. “I think the team has had a scabies problem longer than it hasn’t since I’ve started.”
While the athlete declined to speculate where the outbreak started, a Florida Tech coach has been investigating on his own.
“It’s a lot of he-said-shesaid, but I think I’m closing in on the culprit team.” The coach requested to remain anonymous. “Wouldn’t want it to be from my own court, you know?”
Showering , washing clothes and equipment and other basic cleaning practices that you would think to be essential to people’s everyday routines have proved not to be so essential.
The VTC will close down for a day so the athletic trainers can wipe down a few racks with a Clorox wipe and declare it “all good.”
“Hopefully certain players on the field will invest in some soap and a nice hot shower,” said the investigative coach.
Athletes might then be able to rid themselves of disgust and infestation, as well as put the rest of the student body out of misery and fear.
A Horrible Review – Fourth Life considered greatest game in human history
After seven years of development and crowdfunding, Best Games Studios has finally fulfilled its promise of “creating the game that everyone dreamed of.”
Fourth Life is a massive multiplayer online first-person role-playing action survival sandbox simulation sports shooter real-time strategy battle royale game that has the most innovative game-play mechanics the world has ever seen.
Unlike other game developers, the people at Best Games Studios understand and know what the gaming community wants for their games.
Instead of choosing inferior and obsolete gaming platforms such as PCs and consoles, the developers of Fourth Life wanted everyone to enjoy the game and have made the decision to release exclusively on mobile because “everyone has a phone.”
The processing power and the state of the art hardware of smartphones are capable of handling the otherwise impossible engine that the game runs on for around 30-45 minutes, depending on the player’s preferred phone of choice.
If the player decides to get the Ultimate Deluxe Collector’s edition of Fourth Life for $300, the game will also come with a compact-portable power bank which will extend the possible play time.
Now let us talk about what makes Fourth Life so special: the game-play.
In Fourth Life, the player gets to choose to be whatever they want to be.
The forward-thinking developers of the game have added over 500 gender and sexual orientations for the players to choose from, such as Attack Helicopters, Goats, Pizza and Chairs.
The players are even allowed to customize the look of their character pixel by pixel, which is the true character building that everyone wanted.
After choosing what or who they want to be, the players are thrown into the immersive world of Fourthland, a place where magic and technology coexist and the world is open for the players to explore.
At the very start of the game, the players have to find a purpose for themselves as the game heavily emphasizes on making your own choice, which means that there are no set objectives and no real NPCs to interact with the players.
However, with a small fee of $30 per month, the player is able to access additional features of the game such as crafting and learning magic.
On top of the monthly subscriptions, the players can also purchase in-game currency to participate in what is probably the most exciting and addictive game mode of all time: Loot Roulette.
Unlike the questionable loot boxes that some other game companies have been implementing, the Loot Roulette is a perfectly fair and balanced mode that allows the players to acquire loot by playing the in-game roulette.
Although the win rate and chances of Loot Roulette were not posted by the developers of the game, Best Games Studios has assured players that the roulette is perfectly balanced because it functions just like a real-world roulette.
Aside from the breath-taking Loot Roulette game mode, the game also has a very competitive and advanced battle royale mode.
Unlike most popular battle royal games before the launch of Fourth Life, the battle royale mode of the game has completely removed the element of luck, as this would make the game unfair and not fun to play.
Instead, the players can use the in-game currency they’ve purchased to choose accurately where they’ll be dropping and what kind of loot they will acquire, a truly fair and open battle royale indeed.
Fourth Life is a completely perfect and functional game that will just keep improving by itself.
Even the developers at Best Games Studios have claimed to stop any further development and maintenance of the game shortly after its release because of how perfect it is.
To conclude, I’ll give Fourth Life the highest score and recommendation: 10/10; it’s all right and the only entertainment you will ever need.
Organization presidents attempt to schedule riot
“We’ve finally had enough,” Veri Upsette posted in the “Presidents for Change” forum March 24.
As the third president in the past year for the student organization Un-Adulting, Upsette said she “can’t even with this school anymore.”
“It’s like we shout and they don’t listen, you know?” Upsette said.
Upsette said organizations have been “shouting from the rooftops” about change, but their cries have gone unheard by administration.
Upsette said once she realized the administration wasn’t listening to their metaphorical cries, she decided to create the “Presidents for Change” forum, a website dedicated to posting ideas for change and complaints about the school, in the fall 2018 semester.
“I hadn’t heard about the Presidents for Change until last week, when they tried to organize a riot,” Hahn Deman, a junior in construction management, said. “Campus security was freaking out about it and sent out emails with screenshots.”
Deman said the only reason he saw the email was because he had accidentally sent his Domino’s verification email to his school gmail account.
Deman said that while he “believes the intentions were good,” somebody should have pointed out that “riot” was not the proper word to use.
“It was supposed to be ‘protest’,” Bill Fates, president of Future Business Billionaires, said. “Veri likes to make a hype around things and I guess her exec board said riot would get more attention.”
Fates joined “Presidents for Change” in February, despite knowing about the forum since the beginning of last semester.
“Veri is the longest president Un-Adulting has had, so I wanted to make sure that she was legit before joining,” Fates said.
The first president of Un-Adulting didn’t show up for the first two meetings; the second president said it was “too much for comfort” on Facebook and tagged Upsette as the new president.
Kale Ships, president of Food Fighters, said this isn’t the first problem Un-Adulting has caused for the presidents.
“They make a lot of noise online and tag other presidents so administration will think it’s a group effort,” Ships said. “I never said I wanted a live panther for the mascot. That was a lot to unpack when it came out.”
Ships and Fates said the riot scheduling has caused grief for their organizations and they won’t be signing up for any other Un-Adulting initiatives.
The post they had signed up for said “in order to help raise awareness of issues our organizations have on campus, sign up to volunteer.”
“It was short and simple so all of us thought it would be like a meeting or something with the administration,” Fates said. “Even SGA signed it. We were all put on the posters that Veri sent out saying “Presidents for Change is organizing a riot for April 1st.” Yeah, we thought it was a joke too.”
SGA declined to comment on their participation in the event but an emailed statement on their latest Panther Release addressed the issue.
“SGA stands behind organizations and their issues. However, we do not condone organization. We will not be attending the riot Presidents for Change is scheduling.”
Security also released an email stating “Organized riots will not be tolerated on campus,” along with the guidelines of unorganized chaos on campus and the procedures for these events.
If any student or organization has future plans for protests, riots or organization, they can refer to the guidelines on handybook.fit.edu.
Professors suspected in Crawford’s hamster infestation
Recently, students, staff and faculty have noticed an infestation of hamsters in Crawford, cause of which is still under investigation.
While facilities claimed the hamsters were likely coming from the atomic toilet, some students have the suspicion their professors are smuggling them into class.
“My professor proudly shows off his hamster,” one student said.
The student added that her professor keeps his hamster in his pocket and feeds it nuts throughout class.
Another student said the hamsters may be there for emotional support.
“Before, my professor seemed so lonely,” she said. “Having a hamster really seems to help him. Whenever we’re doing work and he’s at his desk, his hamster is there for him to pet.”
While many find the furry creatures adorable, some students said they’ve become a distraction.
A graduate student said it wouldn’t be a big deal if professors were better at controlling their hamsters.
“Lots of people have hamsters, and that’s fine,” he said. “But I don’t want them out and about in class. Keep them in their cages.”
It isn’t just students that have a problem with the hamsters. Some professors are bothered by their presence as well.
One professor in communications said the daily sight of her coworkers’ hamsters is upsetting. “It’s disgusting,” she said. “I can’t have a hamster, and to see them flaunting theirs around the school? I’m ready to quit.”
Another professor said seeing the hamsters everyday is a sad reminder that she can’t have one.
“I’ve always liked them,” she said. “I wish I had one, and seeing them every day just reminds me I’ll never have one.”
Facilities is working to get to the bottom of the infestation and stop it from spreading further.
“Our biggest concern is containment, both of the hamsters and professors,” one staff member said. “If it is professors bringing the hamsters in, we have a bigger issue than we thought. Everyone will want to try it. As they say, monkey see, monkey do.”
While there are several courses of action being considered, the staff member said they’re leaning toward shutting down Crawford for several days.
“There are a couple reasons to shut it down,” the staff member said. “We’d like to exterminate any remaining hamsters in the building. But the biggest issue is that most of our professors probably need a break. If they had some time off, they might not feel the need to bring their hamsters onto school property.”
One professor, who wished to remain anonymous, is horrified at the idea of not being able to bring his hamster to class any longer.
“He’s my best friend,” he said. “He’s basically a part of me.”
The professor added that his hamster is like a security blanket, and when he has to spend the entire day without his pet, he feels tense, agitated and unfulfilled in life.
Some of the program chairs in Crawford are also looking into the problem.
They want to keep the building clean while also keeping their professors happy.
They’re considering adding rules about allowing certain pets, as long as professors follow specific protocol for cleaning up after their furry friends.
“I don’t know what we’re going to do, but I do know it’s something a lot of students have complained about,” one program chair said. “No one wants to see a hamster sticking out of their professor’s pocket at eight in the morning.”
Skate Fast Eat Gas gang targeting car owners
An electric skateboard gang has recently been terrorizing the student body.
Security reports have said that the gang is robbing and stealing students of their skateboards, bicycles and longboards.
These crimes are done with the intent to remove the campus of all inferior modes of transportation.
Their new attack has involved stealing all the mirrors off of cars.
A victim who preferred to remain anonymous said that she was heading to Panther Dining Hall when three individuals wearing body protection with LED lights stopped her.
They broke her car’s mirrors and said, “It’s all electric now. You and your petrol-powered friends need to learn who’s the boss.”
This has not been the only incident involving the “Skate Fast Eat Gas” gang, as they have spray painted on their victims’ cars.
Other individuals have found album posters from 80’s bands such as Duran Duran, U2, Pet Shop Boys and The Cars taped to their cars’ windshields.
The new director of Security made “Skate Fast Eat Gas” his first priority in his tenure.
He assumes his position on April 1.
In a general meeting discussing the director’s new initiatives, a security officer advised that they pinpoint the exact dorms where the gang members are located and cut the power of each dorm room.
While this was met with criticism, the director said he believes it’s a step in the right direction.
While they work on reducing the effects the gang has had on the campus, Security has advised students what necessary measures to take if are encountered by the “Skate Fast Eat Gas” gang in an emailed statement.
They told students to help stop the gang “by any means necessary”
Resident cat leaves post as Director of Security
Florida Tech campus cat “Sergeant” Socks has left his temporary post as Director of Security.
Socks’ plans for increased security measures included knocking objects off of all surfaces at Florida Tech to ensure that nothing could ever fall on a student. He made limited progress on his mission.
Socks refused a salary during his short tenure, a move students called “noble.”
He requested his only compensation to be unlimited milk from the dispenser in Panther Dining Hall.
He received positive feedback in his brief moment of leadership.
“He knew what the priorities were when it came to safety,” a student who wished to remain anonymous said. “He was about to write me a ticket for parking in the middle of Country Club, but a little red light mysteriously appeared and he decided that was much more important.”
Coincidentally, she hurriedly tucked a laser pointer into her pocket as she spoke.
Not everyone was happy with Socks’ changes, though.
Dogs were strictly prohibited from entering campus for a time.
“I asked him why, and he just hissed at me,” one dog owner complained.
On the date of his departure, several fish went missing from the Botanical Gardens.
The feline declined to comment on any possible involvement with the disappearances unless licking one’s paw for five minutes is considered a comment.
Budget redistributed for paint jobs
Florida Tech has decided to move around their budget in order to focus on essential changes imperative for the success of the school, starting with repainting the buildings.
“After much deliberation, we’ve allocated funds to campus beautification,” the president of Florida Tech announced last Wednesday.
The president said that various departments have cooperated in this endeavor, accepting a minor budget cut and encouraging alumni donations.
“At first I was uneasy,” said Thad Patterrssohnn, a professor in the school of arts and communication, “but now that it’s done, I’m pretty excited. I mean, Crawford looks like a fricking race car!”
Patterrssohnn said even though the new paint job makes him feel like a NASCAR driver, some of his students were concerned about the use of funds on paint.
“Some students thought it was a waste,” Patterrssohnn said. “But you have to look at the bright side. Athletic teams have been cut, the athletic banquet has been cancelled and parking becomes scarcer by the day, but at least the buildings have a fresh coat of paint.”
Stu Pedd, a senior in mechanical engineering, said he was skeptical when he saw the paint.
“I thought it was a waste,” Pedd said. “But now I realize how important it is.”
Pedd said he used to procrastinate his work by going to tennis matches.
“Now that they put all their money into painting, I’ll actually have time to get all my work done,” Pedd said. “It’s going to help me a lot.”
Asher Tide, an alumni and former Florida Tech women’s tennis player, said she’s not letting any “sugar coating” keep her from being disgruntled.
“People are still upset. They may not be outspoken about it but I know they’re upset,” Tide said. “A not-so-shiny paint job isn’t going to distract us from their transgressions.”
Tide said that former athletics alumni are working together to help students stage a coup in order to fight for their teams to be reinstated.
The Crimson is currently investigating these claims.
While there are continued talks about the budget redistribution, students and professors are encouraged to submit their ideas.
“I hear they have an open door policy,” Patterrssohnn said. “I haven’t tried it, but it works something like they leave the door open and you can just walk in. I don’t know how that contributes to them listening, but people seemed to be happier when that was announced.”
The next budget redistribution meeting is scheduled to be held April 31.
Prospective player: the cat’s meow
After not making the playoffs this past season, the Florida Tech basketball is looking for potentially the most radical and ferocious change in program history.
Percy the Panther has been tearing through the blacktops of Florida, dominating the court with his physical style of play and lightning-quick reflexes.
Streetballer and former opponent of Percy, Bobby Smitty, said he’s never seen anything quite like him.
“That cat is the quickest thing I have ever seen,” Smitty said. “And he can even make jump shots, it’s incredible to watch.”
Percy has no known owner or caretaker and got his name from the book “Percy Jackson & The Lightning Thief” because of his uncanny ability to strike like lightning, according to Smitty.
Florida Tech first heard about him from our resident mascot, Pete the Panther.
In an exclusive interview being published on April 31, Pete disclosed that Percy has always dreamed of playing on a hardwood court, having his own jersey and hearing the crowd cheer his name.
Pete recently used his connections with the basketball program to set up a formal meeting and workout.
“They really need to see him in person to find out if he’s a legitimate baller or not,” Pete said.
Percy will be greeted like any other recruit when he comes to display his fourlegged dexterity on May 32.
Smitty said he thinks Florida Tech would be foolish not to offer Percy a scholarship.
“He may be just a large cat, but he’s got more skills than any human player I have ever seen,” Smitty said.